The world ends on December 21 so should we cancel our Christmas turkey orders?

Where can I catch a space ship outta here chrissakes?!!

Well that's that then I suppose and that'll teach me to buy my Christmas presents early instead of waiting for Christmas morning as usual and seeing what the shops in my local train station have left on their sadly depleted shelves.

Anyway, there I was a couple of days ago, minding my own business and happily wrapping the presents in godawfully gaudy paper (it's the only kind there is apparently) when a friend phoned. After we had arranged to meet at the end of the week for a drink he casually asked "Did you know that Christmas is cancelled this year? In fact the whole of the future of the world has been cancelled." "And why would that be prithee?" I asked, my curiosity aroused. "Because the Mayan calendar says so. It says that the whole world will end on December 21. That's it. Basta. Game over, we lose."

So I went on the interwebs thingy and googlised it to check and lo and behold he was right! The Mayans did predict doomsday for December 21, 2012. They said that an intergalactic planet would smash into Earth on that day and kill everyone yessiree ma'am (tips hat.) Trouble is that I find that to be highly inconvenient to be honest as I had planned to play a gig in the New Year and so I don't feel like being vaporised into oblivion by some angry god or other. Besides, I'm not even religious so I have no original sins to pay for. So I thought it may be worth seeing if I could find a way to escape this unfair and vaporisory fate just in case it happens. Back to the computer to do another googlethingy then and, praised be The Lor.. Liverpool FC, there's a village in France called Bugerach (Pop. 179) which has a mountain where if we go into one of its grottos we'll be saved from Armaggedon. Yup, I read it in the papers.

It must be true because flight bookings to that part of France are up by 41% for that week, and that's just reservations by Brits. Surely they can't all be wrong? New Agers say there are extraterrestrials hiding in the mountain in an 'alien garage' in the mountain who will take us away from Earth if we go there. There's just one thing bothering me though because the article also says there's another mountain, in Turkey this time, where other Doomsday predictors say that the extraterrestrials will be waiting for us there instead. Hmmm, time for another Googlisation to find out more.

Oh dear, it would appear that hotels in a sleepy little town in Serbia are also being beseiged by people who want to book rooms there. The village is also near a mountain, and Predictors of the Apocalype there are also saying that if we go there we shall be saved. Oh Come. On. Just how am I supposed to know which is the right mountain? Maybe if I do a little Yahoogle or two I'll find a few clues.

From bad to worse I'm afraid. Not only do I find that there are villages all over the world with mountains nearby who say we'll be saved if we go there, I am also beginning to see articles by people who think it's all bunkum. Really? Are they sure? Be that as it may, nobody can be absolutely sure so as I can't afford to go to China I'll just find out more about Bugerach and if they're offering any cheap package deals.

I'm thoroughly confused now. The Mail Online (which, as we all know, never sensationalises news stories)  has an article on Bugerach. I'm reading it now. It says that I can rent a house there for €1300 a night. Bloody 'ell, that's a bit steep innit? But there is another option, which is to camp in a field whilst waiting to die. Price - €350. Sod that for a lark. Still, I could while the time away by eating a new local speciality called an 'Apocalypse Pizza' whilst getting as drunk as a newt on half a dozen bottles of a new issue of local plonk they have called 'End of the World Vintage'. On the other hand, if I feel like saving my money for when I get to the other side and staying sober I could always drink a bottle of local spring water for just €18. Not much in the way of cheap food though, just a local stone from the mountain for a mere €1.50.A bit crunchy but 6 of them should leave me feeling quite full.

Hey but wait a minute, further down the page it says that the local mayor says I won't be welcome If I go.. And it says that the local county prefect says he's fed up with local people trying to rip off gullible hippies, dropouts, spiritualists and other varieties of illuminati by flogging them tacky rubbish at extortionate prices. And they're drafting in the army to stop too many people from entering the village. In fact they even say they're actually going to stop people climbing the mountain on D (for Destruction) Day.

Worse still, the government and various other bodies are warning of the danger of mass suicides like the one a few years ago in France when some guru's End-of-the-World prediction turned out to be wrong. Then there's what happened at Waco in the United States, where 76 wacky Davidians and various other End-of-the-Worldist men, women and children died in a fire they themselves had started.

It's beginning to look like the whole idea of me going to Bugerach is a bad one. I mean, what's the point of going all that way just to be stopped from going up the mountain on the 21st and being saved? I'd be really fed up at the sight of the blessed intergalactic spaceship taking off with those few lucky ones who had managed to get through the army cordon undetected. Besides, watching disappointed sectists committ mass suicide isn't exactly my idea of fun, at least not often. Not only that, I'd look like a right silly bugger if the world didn't actually end. After all, what would my friends say?

Tell you what, after weighing up all the pros and cons of this End of the World palaver I've finally decided that I'll stay at home that day and take my chances. And I'll order a turkey tomorrow. After all, even if I do wake up on December 21 to see a Saturn-sized 60 trillion ton ball of fire hurtling straight down towards my apartment from a fire-filled sky I'll have other things to worry about than the money I'd wasted on my turkey...