Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Garlic-Eating Frogs vs Beer-Swilling Teutonics - live match report

A man with, euhhh, two balls. As they say.
France plays host to Germany this evening for a friendly international football match so seeing as I'll be watching it and all the papers are doing a live rolling report on it I thought I'd do the same, except that mine will be a parody. A spoof. As unserious and irreverent as it gets. Why? Just for the fun of it and in the hope that someone may find something amusing to read in it. I'll be updating it every 5 minutes or so. Enjoy!

This is the bit before the match kicks off where football commentators usually tell readers who they think will win, and why, and why the match is so "vitally important". But seeing as I have no idea who will win, or why, and because I couldn't care less anyway, I'll just skip this chore if nobody minds.

Team News
France - Lloris - Sagna, Koscielny, Sakho, Evra - Cabaye, Matuidi - Sissoko, Valbuena, Ribéry – Benzema.
Germany - Adler - Howedes, Hummels, Mertesacker, Lahm - Gundogan, Khedira - Müller, Özil, Podolski - Gomez.

Well, all I can say about that is that they have 11 players each it would appear, so no there's no cheating, at least just yet. The cheating part comes when the match starts.

The teams are about come out onto the pitch!!
Football commentators often say this so I'll say it too, although I personally think that Hitchcock was a better master of keeping up expectative suspense and rising tension.

Peeeep! And we're off!

2 mins. I see 22 people running round a field after a sort of ball-thingy. The French are dressed in their familiar blue shirts, and the Germans are in their usual in white. If this was a fashion show the Germans would win 10-0. Blue is sooooo passé dahlink...

4mins and nothing much is happening. So little in fact, that I have enough time to notice a man in a rather spiffing and fetching yellow shirt on the field. It appears that he is what is called the 'referee'. Whatever floats his boat. I happen not to be gay though so I'll leave him to the ladies.

12 mins. It's still 0-0 and I'm wondering if there's any such thing as 'catatonic boredom'. Oh sod this, I'm off to watch a Youtube video. Their singer died recently. They were a great band and those were the days. Back in a few.

18 mins. 0-0. No, football is a really exciting game. Really it is. Believe me. *sigh* :(

24 mins. French striker Benzema carves the German attack apart with more ruthless efficiency than a butcher's knife slicing through milk. It would have been easier to score but he decided to make things difficult for himself by shooting straight at the goalkeeper.

29 mins. The match has suddenly come to life, like the Zombies in the film. End-to-end stuff it is and it's quite attractive to watch. Either side could have scored in the last 5 minutes. A goal soon please!!!

35 mins. Ribery is all over the place, like white on rice. And he's dangerous too. If he doesn't score tonight I'll sell my grandmother be very surprised.

40 mins, and the French have the upper hand. They seem in a hurry to score before half-time. But the Germans are displaying their usual discipline and are managing to cope in the hope of holding out.

44 mins and France 1 Germany 0! This was inevitable and it was thnks to Valbuena, who has worked hard since the kick-off. More power to him.

46 mins. Half-Time.

Half-time entertainment

France arguably deserves to be a goal up, although I'm sure that the Germans will come out all guns blazing in the second half. But that won't work unless they manage to capitalise on their patient attacking build-ups by creating more chances. Oh, and talking about advertisements, anyone for a beer?

45 mins. Off we go again and the French get a corner within 20 seconds. As usual, it leads to nothing. In fact despite the fact that they are supposed to be an advantage to the attacking side corner kicks result in so few goals that I'm thinking of campaigning for their abolition. Yours, Angry From Suburbia.

51 mins et oh la la! France 1 Germany 1! A terrible pass from Capoue is intercepted and relayed to Muller, who duly slams it into the net and sends chocolates and thank you tweets to the French defence to thank them for their generosity.

60 mins. This match is up for grabs and I'd rather take a cold shower than bet on the result.

65 mins. Valbuena, then Ribery, the French seem to be taking it in turns to put shots just wide of the posts. They've been bribed by the Albanian mafia to lose the match I tell thee!

74 mins France 1 Germany 2. What a sumptous sliderule pass from Odil to Khedira! It was the kind of pass that's so clever that it solves complex crosswords in a millisecond. Khedira responded in kind with cool nerve and a fine finish.

80 mins. Just 10 minutes to go and the French introduce an attacking substitute in an attempt to create an equaliser. It's followed by another, similar, substitution. Desperate times indeed, but hope springs eternal as they say.

85 mins, and the Germans are holding on to the ball. If the French are going to score they'll have to regain posession, and that's easier said than done against a team which knows how to pull down the shutters and kill the game.

89 mins and France equalises! 2-2 with one minute to go!! Nah, only joking. Giroud was offside and the goal is disallowed. Merde alors! There'll be three minutes of added time.

93 mins. Peeeeep, and it's all over. France 1 Germany 2 and all this goes to prove that drinking beer is better for footballers than eating garlic. Or something. Thanks for reading and have a good evening..


  1. Mmmm... Sorry Fripouille, but your ADD got in the way methinks. That's what happens when one watches sports and gets distracted by fashion, commercials, beer, and I don't know what else: Germany actually beat France 2-1. Now tell me: How come a French Girl knows that - in Seattle - while you, watching live in Europe, did not notice? Tsssss... Clearly, you had better stick to other activities. Best, Veronique (French Girl in Seattle)

    1. Oh, you mean the typo for the score, at the end, which I put at 1-1 instead of 1-2? Corrected, thanks, but I'll decline your advice to "stick to other activities" if that's okay because, as Confucious famously said, ' a typo doth not an imbecile make'. :)

    2. WHAAAAATTTTT??? You actually enjoy watching this kind of stuff, or just writing about it??? I have personally stopped following any athletic activity involving sports ending in "-ball." Especially that Gaaawwwddd-awful baseball, by far the slowest, most boring game ever to hit the planet. Soccer players, at least, have great legs... and great bodies too, as demonstrated here by le Grand David B.:

      Bonne nuit, Fripouille! PS: Your story was funny, by the way. I was only teasing you.

    3. What?! Beckham's legs look like scrawny chicken legs compared to by shiny bulging and muscly marvels! Besides, anyone who plays for PSG must be either
      a) mentally unstable
      b) weak enough to play for any old rubbish team as long as his wife tells him to because she happens to like the clothes shops in that particular city
      c) because no English, never mind Premier League, team, wants him because he's too old

      Or all four.

      (I'm kidding of course. David Beckham was and still is a gifted player whose free kick and passing skills are amongst the best the world has ever seen. He's a true professional, he's a wonderful example to kids AND, he's also a very cool guy. I wish him and his family all the best here in France.)