J'ACCUSE! France's 'Slow Drinking' advice to Jack Daniel's drinkers :)

Keith Richards' favourite tipple

I bought a bottle of Jack Daniel's yesterday evening. Hard alcohol is rarely to be found at my home but I only bought that bottle because I liked the presentation box to be honest. I took it home and promptly forgot about it.

Still, I decided to have a small nip earlier this evening, and it was then that I discovered and read the enclosed leaflet. I nearly dropped dead on the spot. Here are a few excerpts from this scurrilous propaganda.

'Slow Drinking - the art of savouring.'

'Slow Drinking is a new way of tasting alcoholic drinks in which one takes one's time to savour each instant. The Slow Drinking philosophy valorises the visual, olfactive and gustatory senses and offers new rituals and modes of tasting in order to better savour the moment whilst also drinking moderately.'

'When I don't have a doser, I use the bottle cap and that makes sure I limit my consumption.'

WHAT??!! JD is a drink for rock musicians (I was one for years), alcoholics-or-nearly (I almost became one), rebels (always been one), motorbikers (never ridden one), and various other categories of us, the marginals who make this otherwise sad world go round, and I want it to stay that way!!

This 'Slow Drinking' gimmick may be okay for soft drink drinkers of girly drinks like Martini and Bacardi - the campaign is the initiative of Martini-Bacardi France - but it has no place in a presentation box of Jack Daniel's. Worse, the French distinguish themselves once again as the world's most incompetent English users by mistakenly labelling Jack Daniel's as 'Jack Daniel'. How would they like it if Anglophones labelled champagne as 'shampain'? Roquefort as 'Rock Fort'?

Good lord, this civilised 'culturalisation' of JD is an absolute abomination. JD drinkers don't need to 'taste', or 'savour', or - worst of all - 'dose' JD. We need to drink it, lots of it, and without moderation. That's what it was invented for.

But now that the French have started drinking it they are setting a bad precedent for the future.

I swear that if ever they succeed in making people put ice in JD I'll stop drinking it.

After all, it's a strong drink, for rebels like me. So I'll have to find something even stronger if they make it socially acceptable.

Hmmm, now where's the number of the guy I know who makes Moonshine.....

(All that said, at almost 60 years old now I stopped at one drink.)

Excellent weekend to all...

A law to limit the use of the term 'restaurant' to those which actually cook? Excellent idea!

My right ear and  left arm in a restaurant. The rest of me stayed at home

Just walk into any French restaurant and you will be amazed at the high quality of the delicious dishes being served. Succulent fresh fish, gorgeous desserts, delicious prawns, eating out in France is a genuine pleasu........

What!!?? Good grief, did I really write that rubbish?! I do beg your pardon, it must be the weather. Or my tax bill.

Unfortunately, the fact is that up to 50% of French restaurants don't actually prepare or cook all the food they serve. They just heat up frozen dishes such as pizza and serve vegetables straight from the tin, or, in the case of many desserts, serve mass-produced items such as tarts and chocolate cakes straight out of the box or, where applicable, the fridge or freezer. So how can it possibly be right that they are currently allowed to call themselves 'restaurants' in their names and on their facades and menus, just like those restaurants that can actually be bothered to cook fresh food?

This is bad news for tourists of course, because the outside of all restaurants in a given price range look roughly the same and I'll bet a pound to a penny that 90% of tourists wouldn't know a good average-priced restaurant which serves real food from a bad one which doesn't. Until they are served that is, by which time it's too late. Even locals and those of us foreigners who have lived here for years need to be very careful when choosing to go to a restaurant for the first time. The only sure way is to ask someone who has already visited the restaurant concerned, but this isn't always possible, and tourists, of course, can rarely benefit from knowing someone who will send them to a good restaurant.

Are restaurant guides of any help? Unfortunately not, unless you are looking at the high end of the market, or reading a specialist guide. They just list restaurants irrespective of the quality, unless they have a really bad reputation.

Which leads me to one man's laudable attempts to clean up the restaurant business and sort the wheat from the chaff.

The story begins with the scandal which saw horse meat being passed off as beef in mass-produced lasagnes and other products. Nobody was charged in this scandal, and the national outcry it caused prompted the government to do something about it. The job was given to Benoît Hamon, a Delegate Minister for the Social and Solidarity Economy. He has drawn up a law proposal which would drastically increase the controls carried out within the food business and multiply sanctions for frauders by a factor of eight. This law is almost certain to be voted.

Now though a UMP deputy, Daniel Fasquelle, has proposed an amendment to it which would reserve the right to use the term 'restaurant' uniquely for establishments which prepare and serve fresh food. There would be exceptions of course - after all, it would be unrealistic to expect all restaurants to make food items such as cheese, bread and ice cream from scratch, although I do know some restaurants which do make their own bread or ice cream. What an excellent idea!

Many tourists come here with the expectation that food will be good everywhere, but they are often sadly disappointed with the fare on offer. This is not good for the country's image as a temple of gastronomical excellence. This amendment however would make it easier for them - and locals - to better know what they are letting themselves in for when they go into a restaurant. It would also reduce fraudulent practices in some restaurants, which pass mass-produced ingredients off as the real thing.

Some restaurant owners and professional bodies which represent them are against this proposal, saying that it would lead to severe job losses in the industry. But they are wrong, as the boulangerie business will attest.

It was extremely difficult to find a good boulangerie in France until 1995, when a law was passed which reserved the right to use the appellation 'boulangerie' uniquely for those bakers who actually produce their own dough on the premises. This has made things somewhat easier, although tourists and even some locals still have trouble knowing what a good boulangerie is so there is room for improvement. More importantly, it has saved the livelihoods of many bakers who were facing unfair competition from establishments such as those which merely bake products which have been factory-prepared, and the move forced producers of finished baker's products and pre-formed products to improve the quality of their offer, as real boulangeries were regaining the public's confidence and thus market share. (Incidentally, for those interested in the subject of finding good bread in France I wrote a detailed entry on it which you can read here. It's a must-read for tourists.)

France relies on the reputation of its restaurants and all things culinary, but that reputation has taken a serious battering over the last 25 years due to complacency, a lack of imagination when it comes to change which would be better suited to new tastes, and fraudulent practices. And as if that weren't enough, even France's ability to win international awards for food-related products and wine has diminished sharply. There was a time when the French would win a large majority of these awards, but these days they are majoritarily won by people and products from other countries. Did you know, for example, that this year's world cheese championship was won by a japanese lady and her cheeses?

The reputation of France's food and drink industry needs all the legislation and changes in mentality it can get if it is to improve, and the adoption of Daniel Fasquelle's proposed amendment would help not only the restaurant business, it would help to bolster France's reputation for excellence when it comes to food and drink too.

'Marie Clairegate', or how some restaurant reviewers want their meal and eat it

Photo courtesy of Aude Baron/Resto-de-Paris.com

Restaurant reviewers are like politicians in a way. We all 'know' that some of them are dishonest but it's not very often that we actually see proof of it. And that is why I was most pleased to come across this very revealing article in the Le Plus section of the Nouvel Observateur a few days ago. Written by Aude Baron, the section's Editor-in-Chief, it offers a few insider insights into how some French restaurant reviewers, including those from the well-known French women's monthly magazine Marie Claire, consider that blackmail and punishment are acceptable tools when it comes to getting a free meal in return for a good review.

But Marie Claire's strong-arm tactics were revealed for all to see when details of an email exchange earlier this month between Jean-Paul Lubot, the delegate general director of the Marie Claire press group, and Parisian restaurant owner Pierre Jancou found their way onto the 'Food Intelligence' blog.

Lubot loftily announced via his staff in his initial contact email that Jancou's restaurant, 'Vivant', had been "selected" to be featured in Marie Claire's 'Le Paris de Jean-Paul Lubot' column, and he asked if Jancou would "invite him to dinner", adding that he would be "accompanied."

He soon learned that he had bitten off more than he could chew. Jancou was having none of it and he replied in bitingly terse terms to say that never in his 24-year career in the restaurant business had he ever invited a journalist to one of his restaurants, and that he considered Lubot's way of going about his business to be "shady and fraudulent."

Lobot refused to take no for an answer however, and declared in his next email that for a restaurant reviewer to get invited by the patron to a restaurant he was reviewing was "extremely common practice."

Not chez Jancou it isn't. He refused again. Lubot's reaction?

He quite simply made sure that 'Vivant' was taken off Marie Claire's recommended restaurant list and he sent a petulantly temper tantrum email in which he asserted that "you've got no idea have you, and all you have done is to confirm the stinginess for which you are well known in the business." Charming n'est-ce pas?

Baron also writes that some reviewers openly identify themselves as such when they get to a restaurant, which of course often earns them special attention and, who knows, maybe a free meal too. She has even seen amply wined-and-dined reviewers strike a deal with restaurant owners after their meal by using the arm-twisting "if you don't make me pay I'll write about you, and if you do make me pay I'll forget you forever" tactic.

Yet another scam is that of reviewers making restaurants pay for the privilege of placing the much-sought-after (by some less scrupulous restaurant owners) 'Recommended by such-and-such a magazine/restaurant guide" stickers in their front windows, next to those of the 'we accept American Express cards' ilk.

All of these 'reviewing' methods are, of course, scandalous, and I know that a well-known review booklet here in Lyon also uses dubious methods in its restaurant ratings.

This kind of news casts a shadow over the whole of the restaurant review business in Paris and elsewhere (and yes, it is a business.) After all, who, in the light of all this, can be sure, if ever they were before, that they are reading an honest review which will help them choose where to eat? Who are the honest reviewers and who are the bad guys? And who are those restaurant owners who pay the meals of their reviewers? We won't know of course, unless their dealings become public knowledge.

While we're waiting for a more reliable system to be devised and adhered to (and that's going to be difficult) we at least know that Aude Baron has had the honest courage to denounce Marie Claire's dubious practices, and she kindly sent me some recommendations of her own of restaurant reviewers, journalists, blogs and other sources she trusts. She also runs a well-read blog on restaurants in Paris herself, Resto-de-Paris.com.

Here's her selection.

Coup de Fourchette
Chroniques du Plaisir
Chrisoscope
MrLung
and
Presque Moi

She also recommends Figaro's 'Sortir à Paris' section and their journalists Emmanuel Rubin and François Simon as well as l'Express' 'Et Toque' and 'La Soif du Miam' with their articles by Anne-Laure Pham and François Regis Gaudry.

And I have a recommendation of my own too. I haven't ever eaten there but I'll gladly visit Pierre Jancou's 'Vivant' the next time I'm up in Paris, because any owner who has the guts to resist press behemoths like Marie Claire and their 'free meal ticket' approach to reviewing deserves support and a healthy clientèle. 'Vivant', 43, rue des Petites-Écuries, Paris 10th. 0142464355.

Bon appetit !

Spare a thought for your French holiday waiter

...Tishoo! All fall down and you've got a major mess to clean up, and quick.

I was contacted recently by a young friend of my sister's who wanted to know if I thought he could, or should, try to get a summer job as a waiter in a French Mediterranean resort. He says that a couple of other people he knows are thinking of doing the same thing to escape Britain for a while and earn some money at the same time. So, for those people and any others who may be considering becoming a waiter, here are a few reflections and realities of the job to help you decide.

It does seem like an attractive prospect, which is probably why I became one when I first came to France. God knows how I managed it, but I stuck it out for four summers and winters (ski resorts) before I was forced to stop as I was absolutely burned out.

There are a lot of jobs going right now for those who may want to go down to the Med and try their luck. You might have to ask in a lot of places, but with a bit of luck and a bit of French you may just get a job for the summer.

Here's the kind of daily routine you should expect if you get a job in a mid-to-large brasserie.

Up early in the morning on your first day, one of your first jobs is to set up the terrace, which often involves carrying all the tables and chairs outside as your brasserie opens to the public. It's fairly physical but nothing excessive. Then you will start serving clients.

That means taking their orders, going to the bar and ordering the drinks (much coffee in the morning) and beginning to master the art of the serving tray, which is a big one in most big brasseries and bars. You need to master this quickly and have a knack for balancing a tray full of drinks using just one hand, because most pro restaurants do not permit waiters to carry a tray with both hands.

Try doing that when it's full of drinks

At around 11 you will already have served, cleared and cleaned off a lot of tables and walked a couple of kilometres or more, depending on the size of the terrace. There's also a chance unless you keep an eye on clients that one, maybe two, will leave without paying unless you cash them up upon serving. Don't do that with the locals though, they won't like it. It's already getting very hot.

Then there's a welcome lull just before lunch, which allows you to set the tables. More trips with trays of glasses and boxes of cutlery etc. But this is just the calm before the storm, or should I say hurricane. It may be at this time that you will stop and eat lunch, although some places serve their employees after the midday service.

In the space of less than half an hour and starting from midday the terrace will be full of clients all waiting to be served. It's a curious fact of life that it's not because people are on holiday that they are not in a hurry to be served, and some of them can be quite impatient. So you take orders, usually two at the most at a time, and scurry inside to give the order to the kitchens. Then, don't forget to take out the drinks you have ordered earlier because the golden rule here is never go out or come back in with your hands empty or else you will find yourself panicking in the knowledge that you are falling behind.

It's a whirlwind of activity and tempers quickly become frayed. Take out dishes as soon as they are ready or the chef will bite your head off, and the same thing goes for drinks and desserts. Bread, water, drinks, food, cashing up, clearing tables off, seating new clients and starting all over again, your head will be full of things to do, not do, and not forget. There's so much to do and keep an eye on that it comes as a shock at first, so try and anticipate events and the progress of your tables. Stay calm. Also, the boss will be watching you with a keen and experienced eye, and if you can't hack it, well, it's a cruel and instant "thanks but no thanks, and au revoir." When will things slow down?!

After two whirlwind hours, and just when you're desperately wondering if it will ever end, the pace finally and thankfully slackens and you wonder how you're still able to stand. You've walked the equivalent of anything up to about seven or even eight kilometres during the many dozens, hundreds even, of toings and froings to the terrace and back. But then there's another nerve-racking moment when, just before taking a few hours off at around 14:30, you hand over the cash, cheques and credit card reciepts. Did you remember to cash everyone up? Maybe you didn't cash table 16 up? You'll know soon enough, and any shortfall is docked from your pay. Then it's off to rest and, probably, sleep a little. With anxious dreams of keeping hundreds of angry clients waiting.

Back on duty at about 6'ish, you will probably eat first. Then you will begin serving again, except this time it will be even harder than it was at lunch. First it's the helter-skelter madness of the evening meal service, when orders are often more complex and complete, which means even more toing and froing than you did at lunchtime. Try not to forget which dishes go to which tables. Remember to look after the more distant tables on your section. And try to get the balance right between exchanging a few quick and friendly words with clients and not speaking at all because you're hard-pressed for time. This is the worst part of the day because of the wide range of products you have to order and deliver. And, it lasts longer too.

Things finally do calm down a little however, at around 10pm, but no sooner do they do so than the terrace fills up again with people out for their evening stroll around, during which they stop for a cooling drink and/or ice-creams. Your tray is now full of tall glasses, bottles and ice-creams. It has to be full because if it isn't you're wasting time. The tray seems to weigh a ton and your arm aches.

This is when you will see how good, or bad, your memory is because table turnover is quicker and a lot of people want to order at once, so not only do you need to remember the orders of, say three of four tables when you go back in, you also have to decompose them into hot drinks, bottles, beers and ice-creams when ordering them to make the bar staff's job possible. Then, once out the door with yet another tray, you have to remember who ordered what, serve and cash them up, take new orders, clear off tables and go back in again. And you repeat this cycle over and over and over again. In busy places, all of this is done without you putting your tray down, or hardly.

It's now one in the morning thank the lord, and if you're lucky you can start taking all the tables and chairs in again. They seem to weigh even more than they did this morning. Next comes washing and cleaning the terrace and, often, the interior too. It's still very hot and you are dying to get your clothes off because they smell of food, and get under the shower. God knows how many kilometres you've done. Finally, you turn over the money, hopefully the correct amount, and leave. Back in your apartment you fall onto the bed, absolutely frazzled and wiped out. A shower is a must though, so you take one and go to bed, because you are getting up early tomorrow, just as you did today. You will sleep like a log.

This routine is repeated day after day, six days a week, week after week, and month after month. Under a hot sun. The first couple of weeks are very hard indeed because you're still learning the ropes and are still inefficient, much to your annoyance and embarrassment. As the weeks drag out however your system gets used to the pain and you begin to go to late-night bars with colleagues. Many waiters adopt the 'work hard play hard' principle and some nights can finish late. Which means not only do you not get enough sleep, you may have a hangover the next morning too. But what can one do? It's almost impossible not to want to relax and wind down after a long hard day. It becomes a vicious cycle.

It's a punishing job, and as the months go by you end up losing weight, your temper too occasionally, you look like a ghost, and life is one long tired daze. You get more and more irritable with clients and other staff. The job's no pleasure at this stage, and you're only staying thanks to a steely determination not to give up and walk away, head bowed and your tail between your legs.

It can be very tempting to pack it all in during the first month or so, and many first-time waiters who simply can't take the workload do just that. But if you can just hang on in there you will, at the end of the season, become a proud if totally exhausted member of the bona-fide summer servers fraternity. And after that you will go on a much-deserved holiday yourself and start looking at waiters with a professional eye and a different attitude.

So, think you can handle that, young friend of my sister's? If the answer is yes, then go for it, and good luck to you mate.